{TESTIMONY}  OVERCOMING THE TRAUMA OF TRAUMA  6/03/09

Today, I realized something I had not known before.  I had been living in trauma from my past.  I have had long term health issues and after many years was finally diagnosed with lupus in 2002.  After prayer, it went into remission for 3 wonderful years.  Then on March 10, 2008, I woke up in a terrible flare of pain and inflammation where I could not walk on my feet when I rose from bed. 

After a few days of that, the pain started jumping all over my body in different bones, and then I was also diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis where both diseases showed up in my blood work.  There were many days I could not do even the simplest things like turn a key, or a door handle, dress myself, use cooking utensils or even cook, get up off of my chair, toilet or bathtub.  I could not lift my foot more than a couple inches off the ground, so even the smallest step up was impossible.  There were times the pain was so excruciating, I could not even turn over in bed.  These things were not only excruciating pain in the bones, but also great weakness in the muscles surrounding the inflammations. 

The flares jumped from place to place on my body, and I never knew from one day to the next what would be working in my body and what would not be working.  I lost all ability to plan my life or know from one hour to the next what it would be like when I needed to move some part of my body.

The overwhelming pain was almost more than I could bear, but that was not the worst pain.  The deepest pain was suffering the trauma of sudden LOSS.

I had suddenly lost life as I once knew it.  Forget everything beyond sitting in my chair or bed.  Forget anything called independence.  I would look at a nature photo or even out the window and long to be able to walk in the sun again.  People would tell me of their life outside of the boundaries of my chair and it crushed my heart in silent tears, until I was alone at night with my head buried in my pillow.   To be able to hold my grandchild, or even hold the weight of my Bible or laptop... To look in the mirror and not suffer shame for the weight gain, hair loss and bruises all over my body.  Yes, I suffered deeply and despaired of life.  But for the grace of God, and carried by many prayers from loved ones, I continued and I did not let go.

I went through every promise, my rhema, the scriptures, and realized the Lord had told me of this time years before they happened, I just did not realize it at the time when I heard it.  And when it all came, it came so suddenly.  The loss was so sudden.  The changes were within hours or even minutes.  I was so busy surviving I did not have time to reflect that what I lost 2 hours ago had been recovered a few days later.  I was already into the next loss and fighting to hold on and not lose that battle.  It was like my emotions of such sudden trauma were remembering the losses but not the gains.  This was because the flare that jumped from place to place had sometimes come back to that place again.  I did not know if it would return or how long it would stay and if some day it would stay for good.

I have learned a lot of lessons, much deeper things from the Lord because of what I have suffered.  And I believe every bit of what I have gone through will be rewarded as I pass my tests and come into promotion.  It is true of all us, we are called to be overcomers.   Only through God’s grace was I able to remain sane and stable and continue in ministry.  He never, never leaves us, will never abandon us and there is no pit in life that He is not there, deeper still.    Today, I am on 10+ medications, following eating plans that help, and trusting the Lord to keep me until I am totally delivered and healed.  I know and believe it is His will to heal me; I await my kyros moment in time.

Soooooooooo, today I suddenly had the thought that it has been a year since I could not turn the key to start the car, open the glove box, dice vegies with a knife and lift pans to cook.  Today I am driving and I am cooking.  It was like the sudden realization HIT me that this was my PAST.  My body was slowly walking out of a miserable place, but it had yet to register on my emotions.  I was still locked up inside due to the traumas of sudden loss.  Here is what I realized:

1. My past has passed. 

2. My past is not now.

3. My past is not my future.

So my past has become a foundation of lessons and experiences that will be turned for good... not only in my life but the lives of others that listen.  I have grown and changed.  These experiences have made me better and not bitter.  Why?  Because whether I am persecuted by the enemy or chastised by God, I know that He alone is My loving Father Who takes care of me and I belong to Him.  There is no safer and more precious place than being God’s child.

What I realize today is that it is the fear of the past that effects our future.  We see our future clouded without hope, because we weigh it through souls that were once effected by loss.  We live within a world that is shaking and when all our losses have fallen through the sieve, what remains will still be shaken until it all is settled.  Today I am finding that what is settling in my life is God’s Word and the trust that He is good, He is faithful, and an ever present help in times of trouble. 

Rom 8:28-30 NKJV 

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. 29 For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. 30 Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.

Ps 46:7 NKJV

God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble . 2 Therefore we will not fear, Even though the earth be removed, And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; 3 Though its waters roar and be troubled, Though the mountains shake with its swelling. Selah  4 There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God, The holy place of the tabernacle of the Most High. 5 God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved; God shall help her, just at the break of dawn. 6 The nations raged, the kingdoms were moved; He uttered His voice, the earth melted.  7 The LORD of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge.

PRAYER:  Lord I pray for those who have suffered trauma and loss.  I ask that You will go deep into their souls and comfort them with Your loving arms.  I ask that they will know Your deep love for them as they unburden their silent screams.  I ask that You will grant them grace to see beyond their losses and see You have given them a future and a hope, as they abide in You.  Lord I pray that they will see the joy of their rewards and promotions.  I pray that just like You, when You went to Your cross, they too will find great satisfaction when they see all that was accomplished in their own anguish.  In Jesus Name.

Isa 53:7-12  NLT

He was oppressed and treated harshly, yet he never said a word. He was led as a lamb to the slaughter. And as a sheep is silent before the shearers, he did not open his mouth. 8 From prison and trial they led him away to his death. But who among the people realized that he was dying for their sins — that he was suffering their punishment? 9 He had done no wrong, and he never deceived anyone. But he was buried like a criminal; he was put in a rich man's grave.

10 But it was the LORD's good plan to crush him and fill him with grief. Yet when his life is made an offering for sin, he will have a multitude of children, many heirs. He will enjoy a long life, and the LORD's plan will prosper in his hands. 11 When he sees all that is accomplished by his anguish, he will be satisfied . And because of what he has experienced, my righteous servant will make it possible for many to be counted righteous, for he will bear all their sins. 12 I will give him the honors of one who is mighty and great, because he exposed himself to death. He was counted among those who were sinners. He bore the sins of many and interceded for sinners.