TEACHING DEATH TO SELF AND THE 5 STAGES OF GRIEVING
This week I heard someone casually mention the 5 points
in the stages of grieving and it was so quickened to me
that and I looked up the cliché on the internet and
found that the five stages of grief are known as the
Kübler-Ross model. Dr Kübler was a psychiatrist who did
extensive work in the field of death and dieing and
wrote 20 over books on the subject. Today her model of
the 5 stages of grieving are commonly accepted in the
field of counseling.
The five common stages of grieving are:
I have not read any of her books, or anyone else’s books
on the subject. But the above 5 point model was
strongly quickened to me as the same process that
Christians go through when suffering losses in death to
self will as God cleanses our souls. The following is
what the Lord taught me while walking through that
process. I have placed the scriptures as footer numbers
at the bottom of this article so that it reads more
UNDERSTANDING OUR SOUL
Scripture says that we are 3 separate entities: body,
soul and spirit. (1) We are not to deny any part of
our beings, but instead use them to love God with all
our heart, soul, mind, and strength. (2) The human
soul is a very complex entity that is the center of what
we feel, think and desire. (3) It contains a mixture of
our impure carnal nature and motives, demonic influences
attached to places where we feed that carnal nature, and
our thinking patterns. (4) Our soul is so deeply
complex, but basically if we have to put just one label
on the whole conglomeration of feelings, thoughts and
desires, we could safely say that our soul is our
personality. That is easy to say, but a whole lot
harder to understand.
The process of transformation is a journey that the Lord
takes us through and none of us escape the process.
(5) If we want to produce a really good harvest in our
lives, we offer what we see that doesn’t line up with
Him, and ask Him to redeem it for His glory. (6) If we
follow Jesus’ example and Words, we will go through
death to self, death to the old ways, death to our
carnal nature, death to the impurities of our feelings,
thinking patterns and desires. And in so doing, He
takes us through the death of it, so that we can raise
again in newness and freedom of life. (7)
BURNING THE DROSS FROM OUR SOULS
God is separating the soul and the spirit, so as to
clean up the conglomerated mess and bring us into
freedom. (8) When we go through the fire of God it is
to bring the dross of that mixture in our souls to the
surface so that it can be offered up to Him. (9) The
deeper the mixture in our lives, the more it hurts to
let go of these parts of our personalities and rid them
forever. Why? Because these things have been a part of
the framework of who we have been.
Death to self CAN be a quick surgery, seasoned through
much grace of supernatural anesthesia and we can rise
after a quick yielding through tears and repentance and
walk away. But for some issues, if these places are
stubborn and they don’t leave with a simple yielding, it
means they are much deeper entrenched inside of us and
God takes us through a series of events that will shine
light on the nature that is craving resolution and not
getting it. He will continue until we finally crash and
burn with all doors closed to any kind of resolution at
all. We will have tried every avenue to find
resolution, peace or freedom from that issue within the
soul and nothing worked except continuous cycles of the
same steps all leading to the same dead end.
It is facing at that dead end, that we finally crash and
burn. We have lost hope. There is no hope of
recovery. No place to escape. No way out. No way in.
“No way Hosay!” That state is all humanly speaking
without God. But with God, it is better stated, “No
way, Hosea 2.” (10)
All those places inside our souls that crave resolution,
those places that motivate us into action that are not
Godly actions... those places that we strongly feel,
desire and want that are actually idols taking God’s
place, they are strange looking lovers lurking inside
our souls crying to be pacified. He strips us of each
one of them, and then passionately draws us back to Him,
clean and pure and without all the excess soul baggage.
The Hosea 2 process is prophetically true, we are all
going through it if we have given our hearts to Him.
WAITING TO REBUILD
A lot has fallen in the body of Christ and in our lives
personally. Some of us are very unhappy with who we are
or what we have become. Others are miserably stuck in a
life they chose from old passions that long since died
in the rubble. For those who built with the wrong soul
motives, feelings and thinkings, many are still in the
pile of rubble and grieving over the loss. It is
understandable. We are waiting upon God to say, “I will
rebuild.” (11) Right now, He is still burning and
What can we do to prepare as we wait upon God to fulfill
His promise to rebuild the fallen ruins? We can clear
away the rubble by walking out of grief over what has
fallen. Once we are over the grieving process we will
have a clean slate to rebuild God’s way.
WALKING OUT OF GRIEF
All the following human emotions in dealing with grief
can be extremely strong. And they are natural and
understandable feelings. When we suffer loss, we have
soul ties to something or someone that really mattered
to us. What matters to us is where we invest our time,
emotions, assets, and self. The more we invest, the
deeper the pain. The degree of the value of what was
lost is the depth of the emotions that we will have to
walk through to gain our journey into freedom.
Walking through the 5 stages of grieving is the process
of clearing away the rubble of loss. It is a process
of finding that place where the foundation is level so
that something good can be rebuilt. So here is that
process as I found quickened in my own life.
1. DENIAL: Denying a loss is a normal human
response to tragedy. Denial is simply not accepting
that a door has permanently closed in your life. Some
might undermine their feelings by shrugging the loss off
as though it didn’t really matter. Some may swallow the
lie that the loss didn’t happen at all. Some might
believe they can win back or replace what was lost.
None of these approaches accepts the real issue of loss
nor deals with its effect on the soul.
Obviously denial is lying which is not truth. Jesus
said, we shall know the truth and the truth shall set us
free. (12) Walk out of denial by facing the truth of
the pain of permanently losing something that was
valuable and that mattered to you. See the pain for what
it is, and accept that it hurts.
Take the truth of that pain to God, ask for His
comfort. Talk to Him. Also take that pain to someone
you trust and express the pain so that you face it and
not stuff it. Simply accept that the loss hurts. “I am
hurting and I dont like it. Please comfort me and help
me get over this pain!” God will bring you comfort and
help you walk through this process. (13)
2. ANGER: The next stage of walking out of
grief is anger. Once the soul really realizes the loss,
anger comes to the surface. Anger is the human way of
trying to resolve the feelings of injustice that the
Anger can be a way of lashing out for self protection:
“Stay away from me, I am wounded!” Or it can be a way
of lashing out to the source over what was stolen: “How
DARE you do such a thing!”
Scripture says that we will become angry, but not to sin
with it or give any room for the devil to use it. (14)
How? Again by facing the anger and giving it to God.
Tell Him you are angry, ask Him to help you not to hurt
other people with that anger. And ask Him to deliver
you from the anger so that you don’t stuff it inside and
Anger turned inward is dangerous. Embedded anger
becomes unforgiveness, resentment, criticism,
bitterness, judgment, hatred, wrath, violence and
murder. The cycle begins with unforgiveness. We are
PROMISED that if we do not forgive, we will not be
forgiven. Furthermore we are PROMISED if we do not
forgive we will be tormented until we do. (15) It is
for our own healing that God expects us to forgive, even
as He forgives us.
Walk out of anger by asking God to help you forgive Him,
others and the injustice that stole what was lost. He
will help you walk away from anger.
3. BARGAINING: The next step to resolve grief
is to step away from the heat of emotion with logical
attempts to negotiate out of the loss. It has finally
accepted the reality of the loss, and walked away from
anger and wants to deal with a solution.
Bargaining can be a form of debate that is trying to
resolve the disappointment: “You are wrong and I am
right and this is why.”
Bargaining can be a form of self defense. “This is why
I did or want such n’ such.”
Bargaining can be a way of negotiating: “If you do
this, then I will do this.”
Bargaining can be a way of finding a compromise so that
you get some form of what was lost: “Something is
better than nothing. What can I get for my willingness
to let go?”
Walk out of bargaining, dont settle for less. If you
settle for less, then you will go around the same circle
again until you finally face that what was lost is
GONE. To do anything less is to strive and argue with
Yield up your flesh nature to barter your way off the
cross and say, “God gives and God takes away. I will
trust Him though He slay me... and unlike Job, we will
trust Him withOUT defending ourselves.” (17) Yield it
all to Him and ask Him for the grace to truly let the
loss go. It is impossible to willingly embrace death to
self without requesting God’s grace and enabling power.
(18) It is agonizing pain, but you must let it go.
4. DEPRESSION: Depression comes after the
anguish and despair of giving up and dieing to every
ounce of passion felt. After we have truly let the loss
go, the reality of facing no recovery immediately
rises. Depression is the loss of hope. All that is
left after death is the empty black void of numbness,
apathy, lethargy, lack of caring, lack of ambition and
incentive, a desire to quit and give up. There is
nothing left to make the clock tick. Excessive
weariness invades the mind, body and soul and all care
is simply numbed and frozen over. Everything that once
motivated you is a huge black empty hole.
Of all the emotions suffered thus far, depression is the
hardest to walk away from, because the very nature of
depression is that it has little or no human will to
care enough to walk away. Denial cared enough to
pretend. Anger cared enough for self preservation.
Bargaining cared enough to try a substitute. But
depression has lost its ability to care. It is in the
depths of depression that we face the truth for what it
is: Depression is lack of love.
Depression is not loving God, not loving others and not
loving ourselves. Understand that the desire to quit,
withdraw from and abandon all those we love is self
centered. Confess this to God and ask His forgiveness.
Confess this to the loved ones who know you are dealing
with this depression and ask them to forgive you.
Receive their forgiveness, pray together and then expect
God to release you from all the emotions that has gone
on in your journey of loss. He WILL hear your prayer
and earnest plea for help and release you.
As you are released, you will find that you really DO
care and you care a LOT. (19) When the truth finally
rises above all the ashes, you will find that the depth
of your care/ love is the same depth of depression or
lack of caring. Simply give that care to God and let
Him rebuild you into His person who pours out His love
and purpose. Die to your self life and let Him live His
love life through you. (20)
5. ACCEPTANCE: With acceptance comes the
reminder of why you were taken through the process of
cleansing your soul. When you pour yourself into
acquiring things of this world, loved ones, or deeds, it
is possible to give your soul away in the process. That
comes by way of soul ties where you become so attached
to people and things that their importance becomes an
object of worship that takes God’s place in your heart.
These places of worship are actually the most basic
motives that drive you to action. They are at the very
center of your needs that are searching for God’s love
but are searching outside of God. However if you give
your soul to God, and allow Him to cleanse and separate
it unto Himself, then all that you passionately pour
yourself into will not burn up but will be given eternal
worth and value.
Matt 16:27 NKJV
Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone desires to
come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his
cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his
life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My
sake will find it. For what profit is it to a man if he
gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what
will a man give in exchange for his soul?
After having walked through this process you will find a
tremendous sense of resolution to all of the emotions
that once were so demanding. God’s peace has purged you
and set you free and all the rubble is cleared away.
You are ready to rebuild.
SCRIPTURES AND WORD STUDIES
(1) Body, Soul, Spirit:
1 Thess 5:23-24 NKJV
Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you
completely; and may your whole spirit , soul , and body
be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus
Christ. 24 He who calls you is faithful, who also will
(2) Love Him With All Of Ourselves
Mark 12:30 NKJV
And you shall love the LORD your God with all your
heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with
all your strength .'
(3) What Is The Soul:
NT:5590 psuche (psoo-khay'); from NT:5594; breath, i.e.
(by implication) spirit, abstractly or concretely (the
animal sentient principle only; thus distinguished on
the one hand from NT:4151, which is the rational and
immortal soul; and on the other from NT:2222, which is
mere vitality, even of plants: these terms thus exactly
correspond respectively to the Hebrew OT:5315, OT:7307
KJV - heart (+-ily), life, mind, soul, us, you.
NT:4151 pneuma (pnyoo'-mah); from NT:4154; a current of
air, i.e. breath (blast) or a breeze; by analogy or
figuratively, a spirit, i.e. (human) the rational soul,
(by implication) vital principle, mental disposition,
etc., or (superhuman) an angel, demon, or (divine) God,
Christ's spirit, the Holy Spirit:
KJV - ghost, life, spirit (-ual, -ually), mind. Compare
(4) Some Of The Impure Motives
Gal 5:19-25 NKJV
Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are:
adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, 20
idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies,
outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions,
heresies, 21 envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and
the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also
told you in time past, that those who practice such
things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the
fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering,
kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness,
self-control. Against such there is no law. 24 And those
who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its
passions and desires.
2 Cor 3:17-18 NKJV
Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the
Lord is, there is liberty. But we all, with unveiled
face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord,
are being transformed into the same image from glory to
glory , just as by the Spirit of the Lord.
NT:3339 metamorphoo (met-am-or-fo'-o); from NT:3326 and
NT:3445; to transform (literally or figuratively,
KJV - change, transfigure, transform.
OTHER SCRIPTURES USING THE SAME GREEK WORD
And was transfigured (3339) before them: and his face
did shine as the sun, and his raiment was white as the
And after six days Jesus taketh with him Peter, and
James, and John, and leadeth them up into an high
mountain apart by themselves: and he was transfigured
(3339) before them.
And be not conformed to this world: but be ye
transformed (3339) by the renewing of your mind, that ye
may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and
perfect, will of God.
2 Corinthians 3:18
But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the
glory of the Lord, are changed (3339) into the same
image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the
(6) Harvest From Our Lives
John 12:24-26 NKJV
Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat
falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if
it dies, it produces much grain . He who loves his life
will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world
will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves Me, let
him follow Me;
(7) Freedom Through Death
Rom 6:4-10 NKJV
Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into
death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by
the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in
newness of life. For if we have been united together in
the likeness of His death, certainly we also shall be in
the likeness of His resurrection, 6 knowing this, that
our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin
might be done away with, that we should no longer be
slaves of sin. 7 For he who has died has been freed from
sin. 8 Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we
shall also live with Him, 9 knowing that Christ, having
been raised from the dead, dies no more. Death no longer
has dominion over Him. 10 For the death that He died, He
died to sin once for all; but the life that He lives, He
lives to God.
(8) Separating Soul And Spirit
Heb 4:12-13 NKJV
For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper
than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division
of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a
discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. And
there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all
things are naked and open to the eyes of Him to whom we
must give account.
(9) God is a Consuming Fire
Heb 12:27-29 NKJV
Now this, "Yet once more," indicates the removal of
those things that are being shaken, as of things that
are made, that the things which cannot be shaken may
remain. Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom
which cannot be shaken, let us have grace, by which we
may serve God acceptably with reverence and godly fear.
For our God is a consuming fire .
(10) The book of Hosea 2 is a prophetical allegory of
the process that God is bringing His people through, so
that they will die to their idols and return to Him and
not their master, but as their Husband.
(11) I Will Rebuild
Isa 61:4-6 NKJV
And they shall rebuild the old ruins, They shall raise
up the former desolations, And they shall repair the
ruined cities, The desolations of many generations.
Strangers shall stand and feed your flocks, And the
sons of the foreigner Shall be your plowmen and your
vinedressers. But you shall be named the priests of the
LORD, They shall call you the servants of our God.
Acts 15:16-17 NKJV
After! this I will return And will rebuild the
tabernacle of David, which has fallen down; I will
rebuild its ruins, And I will set it up; So that the
rest of mankind may seek the LORD, Even all the Gentiles
who are called by My name, Says the LORD who does all
(12) Jesus is the Truth and He Will Set You Free
John 14:6 NKJV
Jesus said to him, "I am the way, the truth , and the
life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.
John 8:32-36 NKJV
And you shall know the truth , and the truth shall make
you free." They answered Him, "We are Abraham's
descendants, and have never been in bondage to anyone.
How can You say, 'You will be made free'?" Jesus
answered them, "Most assuredly, I say to you, whoever
commits sin is a slave of sin. And a slave does not
abide in the house forever, but a son abides forever.
Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free
(13) The Holy Spirit is Your Comforter and Helper
John 14:16-18 KJV
And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you
another Comforter , that he may abide with you for
ever; Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot
receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him:
but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be
in you. I will not leave you comfortless : I will come
Eph 4:28 NKJV
"Be angry , and do not sin": do not let the sun go down
on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.
(15) Forgiveness Is Release From Torment
Mark 11:25-26 NKJV
"And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything
against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven
may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not
forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your
Matt 18:34-35 NKJV
And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the
tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto
him. So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto
you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his
brother their trespasses.
Eph 4:31-32 NLT
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and
slander, as well as all types of malicious behavior.
Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving
one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven
(16) No More Bargaining Power
Isa 45:9-10 NKJV
"Woe to him who strives with his Maker! Let the potsherd
strive with the potsherds of the earth! Shall the clay
say to him who forms it, 'What are you making?' Or shall
your handiwork say, 'He has no hands'? Woe to him who
says to his father, 'What are you begetting?' Or to the
woman, 'What have you brought forth?'"
Isa 64:8 NKJV
But now, O LORD, You are our Father; We are the clay,
and You our potter;
And all we are the work of Your hand.
1 Cor 10:22 NKJV
Or do we provoke the Lord to jealousy? Are we stronger
(17) Don’t Make Job’s Mistake
Job 13:15 NKJV
Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. Even so, I will
defend my own ways before Him.
Job 40:1-5 NKJV
Moreover the LORD answered Job, and said: "Shall the
one who contends with the Almighty correct Him? He who
rebukes God, let him answer it."
Then Job answered the LORD and said: "Behold, I am
vile; What shall I answer You? I lay my hand over my
mouth. Once I have spoken, but I will not answer;
Yes, twice, but I will proceed no further."
Job 42:2 & 6 NKJV
"I know that You can do everything, And that no purpose
of Yours can be withheld from You.... Therefore I abhor
myself, and repent in dust and ashes."
(18) Embracing God’s Will Only Comes Through Prayer
Matt 26:37-39 NKJV
He began to be sorrowful and deeply distressed. Then He
said to them, "My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to
death. Stay here and watch with Me."
He went a little farther and fell on His face, and
prayed, saying, "O My Father, if it is possible, let
this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but
as You will."
(19) If You Cared Enough To Be Angry And Then Die, You
Care Enough To Face God’s Request To Live
Jonah 4:9-11 NKJV
Then God said to Jonah, "Is it right for you to be
angry about the plant?"
And he said, "It is right for me to be angry, even to
death!" But the LORD said, "You have had pity on the
plant for which you have not labored, nor made it grow,
which came up in a night and perished in a night. And
should I not pity Nineveh, that great city, in which are
more than one hundred and twenty thousand persons who
cannot discern between their right hand and their left —
and much livestock?"
(20) To Choose To Live Is To Love
Phil 1:21-24 NLT
For to me, living is for Christ, and dying is even
better. Yet if I live, that means fruitful service for
Christ. I really don't know which is better. I'm torn
between two desires: Sometimes I want to live, and
sometimes I long to go and be with Christ. That would be
far better for me, but it is better for you that I live.
Matt 25:40 NKJV
'Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one
of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.'