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BUILDING
LASTING FRIENDSHIPS
While
going to church during an intense season when the Lord
was doing various surgeries from past wounds of soul, I
stood at the back wondering where I would sit. My
husband was too sick to attend and this was a new church
for me. The church I had called family for several years
had gone through so many church splits there was nothing
left to split. They chose to close their doors. As I
gazed over the audience, I saw a few people I could sit
by, but a huge ache surfaced in my heart. I just plunked
down right in the back row. Then I heard the voice of
the Lord say very, very clearly, "I created you for
fellowship." Oh my how that pierced my soul! It
comforted me in one way because it validated the fact
that I was longing for fellowship so deeply, but it also
lanced a deep, deep wound that took months to overcome.
During
this season, I had an Internet friend who told me about
the time when he spent daily worship and prayer with a
buddy. They experienced marvelous times when the
Presence of the Lord filled their workplace and side by
side they vertically experienced the Lord. But they did
not really experience a meaningful horizontal
relationship where they became friends throughout the
process. When his prayer buddy moved away, this deeply
grieved my friend, because of the lost opportunity to
build something more lasting between them.
Through
that time in his life he came to the conclusion that
most intercessors are relationally underdeveloped. We
spend our time standing beside one another in vertical
relationship with God, but are empty in horizontal
relationships with one another. It took the Lord the
next 6 months to prove to me that I too had become
emotionally handicapped when it came to building
friendships. Sometimes we withhold ourselves on purpose.
We get burnt by relationships so we isolate ourselves
and withhold our hearts from others. I would like to
share with you the wisdom the Lord taught me during this
time in my life.
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RESTORING TRUST THROUGH REAL CHANGE
{Show
your intentions and motives, then follow through}
Proverbs
17:17 NLT
A friend
is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time
of need..
The
state of relationships within the body of Christ have
sadly fallen and are in need of repair. This pattern
emerges in marriages, children with parents, leadership
with their flocks, friendships and just relationships in
general. The primary cause is the wound of betrayed
trust. This is when one side places themselves in a
vulnerable spot and trusts another, and for whatever
reason that trust is broken. All friendships must be
based upon trust.
At
first, unless someone is badly wounded, trust starts as
a gift of faith. Just look at the innocence of children
who trust their parents without thought, that is until
that trust is broken too many times. It is the same with
brand new spiritual children who dare to share their
dreams and promises only to see them given to the wolves
as they share in innocent joy. After that, trust is
broken, trust is no longer given as a gift. How do we
repair trust that has been broken? There is only one
way. Trust must again be earned.
Surely
the beginning of restoring trust is forgiveness; wiping
the slate clean of all that has taken place and being
willing to start over and try again. In forgiving, it is
also important to release all expectations based upon
their past performance as to how they will behave in the
future. That is easier said than done when there are
definite patterns that have repeated over and over in
the relationship.
The
bottom line of rebuilding trust is proving through time
that there is genuine change. Change builds trust. One
way this proof can be established is by making promises
of intentions and following through on them.
Trust
can also be re-established by communicating ones motives
and intentions along side of establishing expectations.
For instance, "I have an important appointment this
afternoon and I will not be available to answer the
phone. This does not mean I am ignoring you if you call.
Please leave a message and I will check my messages and
get back to you ASAP." This is going the extra mile to
re-establish trust and expectations and set some kind of
boundaries in which to offer proof of intentions to
change.
Or
perhaps a parent has an anger problem. If in the moment
of crisis they have self restraint, they can prove their
change by saying something like this, "Son, I am really
angry right now over this incident. But rather than
losing my temper and yelling at you, I just want you to
know that I am very angry and I am going to take some
time to cool down, pray about this and then you and I
can talk about it. OK?" This states the obvious that you
are willing and wanting to change, regardless of the
fact that you have an anger problem. It rebuilds a hope
in the child that there may be a way to have a
relationship with you outside of getting in trouble and
being yelled at all the time.
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RESTORING TRUST THROUGH GUARDING PRIVACY
Prov
17:9 NKJV
He who
covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a
matter separates friends.
Another
important aspect to building trust is guarding the
privacy and dignity of another. That especially includes
relationships between parents and their children. Often
parents do not consider their children as people, let
alone honor their dignity and reputation.
Building
trust in a relationship through guarding privacy
requires self discipline not to gossip, as well as being
sincere in carrying that person's weaknesses to prayer.
It means being a defense when that person's walls are
down. It means protecting their heart even when they are
kicking enough to possibly hurt you should you get too
close. When they come back and say they are sorry, it
releases a humility in them to realize you have stood by
them and earned their trust, in spite of the pain it
cost you.
The
foundation of trust needs time to be built, layer upon
layer. Gossip, judgment, criticism, accusation, lies,
slander, cheating, manipulation, control,
unfaithfulness, anger, sin, etc are sledge hammers that
erode the foundation of trust. In contrast, the building
stones of trust are love, faith, hope, long suffering,
kindness, prayer, burden bearing, a listening ear,
praise and encouragement, comfort, forgiveness, joy over
truth, truth given in love, righteous living, etc! If a
relationship develops too quickly, the foundation of
trust has not had a chance to develop and this will
begin to manifest down the road. Trust is a vital pillar
to any stable and loving relationship. Take time to
build it carefully.
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RESPECTING BOUNDARIES
Prov
18:24 NKJV
A man
who has friends must himself be friendly, but there is a
friend who sticks closer than a brother.
All
people have certain boundaries in which they feel safe
and comfortable in sharing their lives. No two people's
boundaries are the same. Like for instance, these
boundaries may include: sharing their spiritual beliefs
and faith, knowledge, emotions, expectations, hopes and
dreams, troubles, degrees of commitment, availability
for relationship, needs for privacy, affection, dignity
and even things like how language is appropriated
between genders and in questions people ask one another.
Most
often people do not openly talk about their boundaries.
They are usually understood by treading lightly and
checking for a response. It is kind of like walking with
blind eyes and shuffling your feet forward so that you
do not stumble over a rock or worse yet, a cliff. Few
people are candid enough to share their various levels
of comfort zones. It takes time to listen to people's
cues, body language and comments to pick up on their
comfort zones for establishing a friendship.
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A
COMMITMENT TAKES TWO
1 Sam
18:3 NKJV
Then
Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him
as his own soul.
A
relationship takes two people. It is based upon mutual
exchange and agreement. Sometimes it takes a while to
find out exactly where that agreement meets. Sometimes
it takes years of 2 steps forward and 1 step backwards
in order to find a common ground where both learn to
know and respect the other one's differences. Others
seem to connect and find common ground and mutual
commitment quickly.
The
bottom line of finding agreement between two people is
willingness to be transparent, up front and candid.
Without a willingness for both parties to be so, it
takes a long time to build agreement. Most often
transparency has to do with one's level of emotional
maturity and comfort zone in being a real person with
real joys and sorrows. Most disappointment in building
life long friendships comes from a lack of communication
on things that really matter. This takes time and of
course, trust.
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HEALING
THE BROKEN HEARTED
Prov
27:6 NKJV
Faithful
are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy
are deceitful.
Proverbs
27:9 NLT
The
heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and
incense.
The Lord
is wanting to bring together and develop friendships
that will help heal the brokenhearted. This will be His
divine work for that purpose. There is a deep bonding
that takes place between people when they share their
wounded places. Such a thing can only happen in a safe
refuge of integrity and trust.
Something to remember in being used as a vessel to help
heal… doctors diagnose but God heals. Sometimes a person
can evaluate what is shared and hone in on the exact
problem. That is helpful because they say identifying
the real problem is half the battle. But sometimes the
evaluation is no more than a judgment about the truth
and this only accentuates the wound. Always try to tell
the truth in love and without criticism of the wounded
one when they are being so open and vulnerable so as to
trust you.
After a
diagnosis of identifying the problem, then the way to
heal is through prayer. Take time to pray with that
person. Don't just say you will pray for them, instead
ask them if you may pray for them right then. If it is
on the phone, then pray on the phone. If it is in the
parking lot, then pray with them in the parking lot. If
it is via email, then write the prayer. Loving prayer
touches and cleanses a wound like no other balm.
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CONCLUSION
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PRAYER:
Abba,
You have promised us new friends, new fellowship and
enlarged families. I know that this season has begun and
I ask that You draw our hearts to be open for this
blessing in our lives. Many are so lonely and isolated
due to betrayed trust. I ask that You begin to connect
people all around the world that are kindred hearts,
having
wonderful and loving gifts to offer one another. May
Your time of healing the wounded souls for friendship
flourish and build the foundation You have so chosen to
bring Your people into oneness. Even so, Lord, release
Your angels to establish divine connections in Jesus
Name. amen.
John
15:13 NKJV
Greater
love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life
for his friends.
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