Sandy Warner ~ ~ ~ ~


While going to church during an intense season when the Lord was doing various surgeries from past wounds of soul, I stood at the back wondering where I would sit. My husband was too sick to attend and this was a new church for me. The church I had called family for several years had gone through so many church splits there was nothing left to split. They chose to close their doors. As I gazed over the audience, I saw a few people I could sit by, but a huge ache surfaced in my heart. I just plunked down right in the back row. Then I heard the voice of the Lord say very, very clearly, "I created you for fellowship." Oh my how that pierced my soul! It comforted me in one way because it validated the fact that I was longing for fellowship so deeply, but it also lanced a deep, deep wound that took months to overcome.

During this season, I had an Internet friend who told me about the time when he spent daily worship and prayer with a buddy. They experienced marvelous times when the Presence of the Lord filled their workplace and side by side they vertically experienced the Lord. But they did not really experience a meaningful horizontal relationship where they became friends throughout the process. When his prayer buddy moved away, this deeply grieved my friend, because of the lost opportunity to build something more lasting between them.

Through that time in his life he came to the conclusion that most intercessors are relationally underdeveloped. We spend our time standing beside one another in vertical relationship with God, but are empty in horizontal relationships with one another. It took the Lord the next 6 months to prove to me that I too had become emotionally handicapped when it came to building friendships. Sometimes we withhold ourselves on purpose. We get burnt by relationships so we isolate ourselves and withhold our hearts from others. I would like to share with you the wisdom the Lord taught me during this time in my life.



{Show your intentions and motives, then follow through}

Proverbs 17:17 NLT

A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need..

The state of relationships within the body of Christ have sadly fallen and are in need of repair. This pattern emerges in marriages, children with parents, leadership with their flocks, friendships and just relationships in general. The primary cause is the wound of betrayed trust. This is when one side places themselves in a vulnerable spot and trusts another, and for whatever reason that trust is broken. All friendships must be based upon trust.

At first, unless someone is badly wounded, trust starts as a gift of faith. Just look at the innocence of children who trust their parents without thought, that is until that trust is broken too many times. It is the same with brand new spiritual children who dare to share their dreams and promises only to see them given to the wolves as they share in innocent joy. After that, trust is broken, trust is no longer given as a gift. How do we repair trust that has been broken? There is only one way. Trust must again be earned.

Surely the beginning of restoring trust is forgiveness; wiping the slate clean of all that has taken place and being willing to start over and try again. In forgiving, it is also important to release all expectations based upon their past performance as to how they will behave in the future. That is easier said than done when there are definite patterns that have repeated over and over in the relationship.

The bottom line of rebuilding trust is proving through time that there is genuine change. Change builds trust. One way this proof can be established is by making promises of intentions and following through on them.

Trust can also be re-established by communicating ones motives and intentions along side of establishing expectations. For instance, "I have an important appointment this afternoon and I will not be available to answer the phone. This does not mean I am ignoring you if you call. Please leave a message and I will check my messages and get back to you ASAP." This is going the extra mile to re-establish trust and expectations and set some kind of boundaries in which to offer proof of intentions to change.

Or perhaps a parent has an anger problem. If in the moment of crisis they have self restraint, they can prove their change by saying something like this, "Son, I am really angry right now over this incident. But rather than losing my temper and yelling at you, I just want you to know that I am very angry and I am going to take some time to cool down, pray about this and then you and I can talk about it. OK?" This states the obvious that you are willing and wanting to change, regardless of the fact that you have an anger problem. It rebuilds a hope in the child that there may be a way to have a relationship with you outside of getting in trouble and being yelled at all the time.



Prov 17:9 NKJV

He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates friends.

Another important aspect to building trust is guarding the privacy and dignity of another. That especially includes relationships between parents and their children. Often parents do not consider their children as people, let alone honor their dignity and reputation.

Building trust in a relationship through guarding privacy requires self discipline not to gossip, as well as being sincere in carrying that person's weaknesses to prayer. It means being a defense when that person's walls are down. It means protecting their heart even when they are kicking enough to possibly hurt you should you get too close. When they come back and say they are sorry, it releases a humility in them to realize you have stood by them and earned their trust, in spite of the pain it cost you.

The foundation of trust needs time to be built, layer upon layer. Gossip, judgment, criticism, accusation, lies, slander, cheating, manipulation, control, unfaithfulness, anger, sin, etc are sledge hammers that erode the foundation of trust. In contrast, the building stones of trust are love, faith, hope, long suffering, kindness, prayer, burden bearing, a listening ear, praise and encouragement, comfort, forgiveness, joy over truth, truth given in love, righteous living, etc! If a relationship develops too quickly, the foundation of trust has not had a chance to develop and this will begin to manifest down the road. Trust is a vital pillar to any stable and loving relationship. Take time to build it carefully.



Prov 18:24 NKJV

A man who has friends must himself be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

All people have certain boundaries in which they feel safe and comfortable in sharing their lives. No two people's boundaries are the same. Like for instance, these boundaries may include: sharing their spiritual beliefs and faith, knowledge, emotions, expectations, hopes and dreams, troubles, degrees of commitment, availability for relationship, needs for privacy, affection, dignity and even things like how language is appropriated between genders and in questions people ask one another.

Most often people do not openly talk about their boundaries. They are usually understood by treading lightly and checking for a response. It is kind of like walking with blind eyes and shuffling your feet forward so that you do not stumble over a rock or worse yet, a cliff. Few people are candid enough to share their various levels of comfort zones. It takes time to listen to people's cues, body language and comments to pick up on their comfort zones for establishing a friendship.



1 Sam 18:3 NKJV

Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul.

A relationship takes two people. It is based upon mutual exchange and agreement. Sometimes it takes a while to find out exactly where that agreement meets. Sometimes it takes years of 2 steps forward and 1 step backwards in order to find a common ground where both learn to know and respect the other one's differences. Others seem to connect and find common ground and mutual commitment quickly.

The bottom line of finding agreement between two people is willingness to be transparent, up front and candid. Without a willingness for both parties to be so, it takes a long time to build agreement. Most often transparency has to do with one's level of emotional maturity and comfort zone in being a real person with real joys and sorrows. Most disappointment in building life long friendships comes from a lack of communication on things that really matter. This takes time and of course, trust.



Prov 27:6 NKJV

Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.

Proverbs 27:9 NLT

The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense.

The Lord is wanting to bring together and develop friendships that will help heal the brokenhearted. This will be His divine work for that purpose. There is a deep bonding that takes place between people when they share their wounded places. Such a thing can only happen in a safe refuge of integrity and trust.

Something to remember in being used as a vessel to help heal… doctors diagnose but God heals. Sometimes a person can evaluate what is shared and hone in on the exact problem. That is helpful because they say identifying the real problem is half the battle. But sometimes the evaluation is no more than a judgment about the truth and this only accentuates the wound. Always try to tell the truth in love and without criticism of the wounded one when they are being so open and vulnerable so as to trust you.

After a diagnosis of identifying the problem, then the way to heal is through prayer. Take time to pray with that person. Don't just say you will pray for them, instead ask them if you may pray for them right then. If it is on the phone, then pray on the phone. If it is in the parking lot, then pray with them in the parking lot. If it is via email, then write the prayer. Loving prayer touches and cleanses a wound like no other balm.





Abba, You have promised us new friends, new fellowship and enlarged families. I know that this season has begun and I ask that You draw our hearts to be open for this blessing in our lives. Many are so lonely and isolated due to betrayed trust. I ask that You begin to connect people all around the world that are kindred hearts, having

wonderful and loving gifts to offer one another. May Your time of healing the wounded souls for friendship flourish and build the foundation You have so chosen to bring Your people into oneness. Even so, Lord, release Your angels to establish divine connections in Jesus Name. amen.

John 15:13 NKJV

Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends.




Words from the The Quickened Word are excerpts from the journals of Sandy Warner.  To better understand how God speaks, read Sandy’s book, “101+ Ways God Speaks, And How to Hear Him.”  Website:    Email:  







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